


in the middle of my chaos, there was you

by themetgayla



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, asexual beca, chloe is so sweet though, he's an ass by the way, jesse is mentioned, kinda fluffy?, not really though oof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 02:02:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14534265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themetgayla/pseuds/themetgayla
Summary: “You'll hate me, just like Jesse does. He wanted something I couldn't give him and now he hates me. Do you know what he called me, Chloe? Unlovable. And I am; he's right.”orthe one where beca’s asexual and worries chloe won’t accept her for who she is.





	in the middle of my chaos, there was you

**Author's Note:**

> i posted this to my oneshot collection but i thought i’d post it as a separate fic too! there aren’t enough fics about being asexual, so i wanted to write one. i’ve always imagined that if beca was asexual, jesse would be an ass about it, and chloe would, of course, love beca anyways.
> 
> this was written to try and get rid of my writers block! i’m hoping to work on new chapters of things soon, now that my block is (hopefully) gone. enjoy!

Beca doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know where to go, or who to go to. She wants Chloe, god, she wants to be wrapped in her warm, safe embrace  _so fucking much_ , but she can’t. Deep down, Beca knows Chloe would understand, but she can’t shake the taunting words echoing round her mind. Chloe would probably hate her if she discovered her secret.

A secret she  _hates_.

Jesse had been Beca’s one hope, one chance at getting it right, and she fucked it all up. Clearly sex had been a bigger thing for him than she’d originally thought. He’d sneered at her, calling her cold, unloving, unfeeling. Beca chokes out another sob as her stomach twists and churns, the pain of his words ripping her heart into shreds.

 _Unlovable_.

That word is the worst. The word that sent her spiralling into a dark pit of self-loathing and hatred. That word had her choking on her own breaths, demanding him to leave and never come back. He’d gone gladly, sneering another litany of cruel words as he slammed the door behind him.

 _Unlovable._  It’s harsh, but Jesse’s right. No one loves her. Not even her parents. Her father had left her like she was nothing.  _Unlovable._ Her mother hadn’t wanted her. She’d tossed her out on the street like a piece of trash.  _Unlovable_. Not even the Bellas loved her. She’d fucked up the set at the ICCA’s, and now they all hated her, even Chloe.  _Unlovable_.

Beca draws her knees to her chest and curls into a ball on her bed, trying to minimise the shaking of her body as sobs wrack through her tiny frame. Her heart pounds painfully in her chest, cracking her rib cage bone by bone.

She can’t  _breathe_.

Thank god Kimmy Jin is out, probably laughing with her friends at her Korean club or whatever it is she goes to most nights. Even Kimmy Jin, a girl she barely knows, hates her. Jesse’s right. Of course he is.

_Unlovable._

Beca parts her lips, gasping for air as she trembles, hands clawing at her bed sheets. She fists her sheet in her hands, trying desperately to cling onto some semblance of reality. It isn’t enough. It feels like the world is slipping away and dragging her down with it. She presses her shaking hands press to her chest, willing the unspeakable pain in her heart to cease, if only for a minute.

They all said she was a freak for not wanting sex. They hadn’t listened to her when she’d explained, cheeks stained with tears, that she simply  _didn’t feel it._ They said she was a monster.  _What do you mean you “don’t feel sexual attraction”? Stop lying, freak. Spread your legs like a good girl. I’ll show you what it feels like._

An anguished cry slips past Beca’s lips as she fights away the memories attacking her mercilessly. “Please stop, please stop, please stop,” she mumbles, over and over again as angry faces snarl at her, hands abusing her, assaulting her.

Beca doesn’t hear the sharp knock on her door. Doesn’t hear the worried voice floating through the wood. Doesn’t register the door opening and closing as Chloe rushes in, her eyes wide with frightened concern. Only when soft hands skimm over her wrist does Beca twist her head round in surprise.

“Beca! Breathe, please.” Chloe tugs the brunette’s hand to her own chest as she breathes deeply, encouraging the sobbing woman to copy her. Beca stares, her dark eyes lost and unfocused as she concentrates on Chloe’s beating heart under her palm. It’s calming, like a lighthouse in a storm, guiding her safely back to shore.

Beca doesn’t know how long they sit there. Five minutes. Ten. Twenty. An hour. Time doesn’t seem to exist as she struggles to breathe between choking sobs. Chloe rubs soothing circles on her back the whole time, whispering soft words of support as she waits for Beca to speak.

Finally, when Beca’s chest doesn’t feel quite so tight anymore, and her shoulders stop shaking, she looks up to meet Chloe’s anxious gaze. Beca ducks her head immediately, her cheeks heating up with embarrassment. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, her voice broken and hoarse.

“Oh sweetie no, don’t apologise,” Chloe coos, gently massaging the brunette’s shoulders. The tension falls away within seconds; it works every time. “What happened?”

But then Beca tenses, her whole body going rigid as she holds her breath. She looks up at Chloe, tears still slipping down her cheeks as she struggles to find the right words. Chloe isn’t Jesse. Chloe will understand, right? Beca’s head fills with  _Chloe Chloe Chloe_ as words slip from her mind, tearing up her throat. “Beca, just take your time. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Beca lets out a harsh, humorless laugh. “Don’t say that.” She shakes her head, almost amused by the ease at which Chloe spoke.

“Why not?”

“Just... Don’t say things like that before you know the whole story," Beca says, a slight edge to her voice. This conversation is edging in the exact direction she really hoped it wouldn't. She knows it's not deliberate; Chloe would never willingly hurt her, but sometimes words said in misunderstanding are the most painful.

“I don’t need to hear it all. I’m not going to leave you, ever.” The pure belief in Chloe's voice almost breaks through Beca's panic. She sounds so  _sure_ , so confident in her own words that Beca, for a second, wonders if Chloe would understand. But then she remembers all the cuddles — which she  _loves_ , but not sexually — and the lingering glances at her lips. No, Chloe definitely wouldn't understand. She'd just think the same thing has the rest of them.  _Unlovable._

Panic flashes through Beca's navy eyes, brewing in the dark depths like a storm. “Chloe,  _stop_.”

“Why?” Chloe's staring at her, bright eyes wide with confusion, and Beca's heart  _breaks_. It kills her that she's never going to be able to give the redhead what she wants. It's no secret that Chloe's a very sexual person; they've all heard her going at it with her ex at some point.

Beca clenches her jaw and stares blankly at her bedroom wall, willing herself not to start crying again. But she has to express her emotion  _somehow_. So she snaps. “God,  _please._  You’re just the same, aren’t you? Always wanting something you can’t have. Wanting something I can’t give you!” Vulnerability and anger laces her tone within seconds, and she glares sharply at Chloe.

The redhead flinches backwards, surprised at Beca's sudden outburst. “Okay Becs, just calm down. You're going to have to explain to me what you mean because I—”

“You'll hate me, just like Jesse does. He wanted something I couldn't give him and now he  _hates_ me. Do you know what he called me, Chloe? Unlovable. And I am; he's right. I thought he was different and he wasn't, so who's to say you won't react just like he did! He said I was disgusting and  _broken._ Are you going to say that too? Are you?!” Beca's panting by the time she finishes, her voice strained from shouting. “Just... God, just save me the pain and leave now, while you still can,” she finishes brokenly, dissolving into sobs. She draws her legs to her chest and drops her head onto her knees, her tears soaking through the denim of her jeans.

Chloe watches, abject horror scrawled across her face, as Beca starts to shake like a leaf. The redhead doesn't know what to think, what to say, what to do. She's horrified, to put it lightly. Beca's words, the raw pain behind them, make her heart ache. She wants to help, desperately so, but she knows suffocating Beca with a hug — her usual choice of comfort — is definitely not going to help now.

Tentatively, Chloe reaches out and rubs Beca's back, hoping the gentle touch will provide some comfort and reassurance. The redhead whispers a soft litany of soothing words, silently willing the brunette’s pain to fall away.

* * *

Hours later, Beca stirs. She jerks awake, her eyebrows creased into a frown as she tries to forget the pain that comes rushing back to her heart. A quiet whimper escapes her lips as she curls into Chloe’s side, burying her nose in soft red curls.

“Becs? Are you okay?” Chloe tightens her grip around Beca’s waist unconsciously, squeezing the brunette’s (read: her) hoodie loosely in her fist. She twists her head to press a kiss to Beca’s warm forehead as she strokes her fingertips over the threadbare fabric soothingly, subconsciously counting the faint ridges of the smaller girl’s ribs as she runs her hand over them.

“Mmph, I’m fine,” Beca mumbles, whining as she cuddles into Chloe’s body. The warmth radiating off the redhead’s body is safe and inviting and  _nice —_ it’s even enough to quieten the voices raging in Beca’s head as she lies there, desperately hoping their slightly intimate position isn’t giving Chloe the wrong idea.

“How many classes do you have today?”

Chloe threads her hands gently through Beca’s chocolate brown curls as they lie pressed against each other, revelling in the comforting silence that falls over the room. The redhead drags her fingers down to trace the brunette’s jawline, brushing her thumb over the stray freckle dotted on pale skin.

Beca scrunches her nose up in thought, her brow creasing as she tries to recall her schedule. Chloe can’t help the small quirk of her lips as she watches the brunette, overcome with a sudden wave of affection. There are still tear tracks glistening on Beca’s cheeks and her “messy bun” now looks like something akin to a birds nest, but she looks  _beautiful._

“Um, two I think,” she says after a while, raising a hand to her lips to pick absently at the already chapped skin. Chloe raises an eyebrow disapprovingly, coaxing a wide-eyed expression of apology onto Beca’s face. The redhead tries to keep a straight face, but as soon as the brunette juts out her bottom lip innocently, Chloe finds herself melting — she finds it  _impossible_ to chastise Beca these days.

Chloe shoots Beca a soft smile as she carefully untangles their legs and pushes herself up in bed. “Okay sweetie, do you think you’ll be able to manage them?”

Beca nods jerkily, wrapping her arms around her waist as she shuffles back against the headboard. She digs her nails into her hoodie, frowning softly as she realises just how much she can feel her ribs protruding through her skin.

It’s another reminder of just how much she’s failed, how much she’s tried to hide things, how she’s pretended she’s okay, how she’s tried desperately to be  _better._ She’d thought that if she was skinnier, if she was more like the girls on the covers of those magazines Jesse reads, he’d be more accepting of the fact she didn’t want to have sex.

Clearly not.

She’d sacrificed food, her physical health, her  _mental health_ , for  _him._ The supposedly sweet, caring boy who’d turned his back on her the moment she’d confessed her deepest secret, with a complete disregard of how she felt. He’d taken her heart in his hands and crushed it, pushed her off the metaphorical edge the cliff she’d been teetering on for  _years._ He’d finally broken her.

“I’m going to make us some coffee.” Chloe swings her legs over the edge of the bed and heaves herself up, fiddling nervously with the hem of her oversized shirt as she stares at Beca, a faint blush rising to her cheeks. The brunette meets Chloe’s gaze, her ears already turning red under the scrutiny.

“Okay.”

* * *

 

Ten minutes later, the girls are back on Beca’s bed, sat side by side as they tentatively sip their steaming mugs of coffee, trying to avoid burning their respective tongues. Beca’s staring blankly at the dark liquid — she drinks it black, of course — trying to avoid making eye contact with Chloe. She can feel the redhead’s staring at the side of her face, her eyes full of concern — okay, she can’t actually  _see_ her eyes, but Beca’s seen that look enough to know what it looks like.

“So, uhm, Becs?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you wanna, uh, talk about things? I mean, you don’t have to tell me anything if you’re not ready to. But, um, I’m here if you want?” Chloe’s lips twist upwards in an awkward smile, and for once, Beca thinks that perhaps the redhead is more flustered than she is. It’s  _adorable_ , because Chloe is the one who’s always calm and collected, and it’s kind of nice for their roles to be reversed for once.

“I...” Beca trails off and clears her throat, the words forming in a jumble on her tongue. She pauses, the reality of what she’s about to confess crashing down on her. Is she ready to tell the truth? To lose Chloe, the only person she’s ever felt comfortable around? Drumming her fingers anxiously on her thigh, Beca swallows thickly and drops her gaze down to her lap. Chloe’s going to leave after this, it’s inevitable.

_So be it. I have to do this._

“I-I’m not like other people, Chloe. I don’t want to do— I don’t want to have sex like everyone else. And because of that I’m  _broken_. Jesse was right, I’m cold and unfeeling and un-unlovable. I thought that if I looked like those skinny girls in magazines, and if I pretended to be into all that stuff, I would just start wanting sex. I thought— god, I don’t know what I thought. I guess I just assumed I was just  _slow_ , or something stupid and naive like that. I smiled for Jesse and  _kissed him_ , even though I didn’t want to. I thought that if I just  _tried_ , I’d feel it eventually. And then that wasn’t enough for him. He wanted to— he w-wanted—” Beca cuts herself off as her throat closes up and she chokes on the words, tears rolling down her cheeks as her small frame wracks with sobs. She wraps her arms tightly around her middle, holding herself together as she stares blankly at her thighs.

Chloe places a hand tentatively on Beca’s arm, stroking her thumb over the brunette’s flannel shirt. Beca flinches at the touch, hugging her arm closer to her chest as she twists her head towards Chloe. She looks briefly into cerulean eyes, tears sliding down her flushed cheeks as her bottom lip quivers. Chloe retracts her hand and raises it to her lips, shoving her nails between her teeth as she lets her gaze flicker nervously around the room.

Beca sighs gently and reaches out to wrap her fingers around Chloe’s wrist, pulling her hand away from her face, lacing their fingers together. Chloe accepts the silent apology with a soft smile, and squeezes the brunette’s hand gently in support.

“I just— I’m  _different_ , okay? I never had sex, hell, I don’t even  _think_ about sex! Sure, I find people attractive, like you — god, you’re  _beautiful_ , but I don’t want to have sex with you. I don’t want to have sex with  _anyone_. I-I love you Chlo, I love you so much. I’m  _in love_ with you, but I-I can’t give you wh-what you want. It’s no secret you’re a sexual person; I know how much you enjoy sex and that’s totally okay. I know n-nothing can ever happen between us because you’ll realise I c-can’t give you the one th-thing you need.

“I know you like me, Chloe, I’ve seen the way you look at me. Those  _looks you_ give me. You look at me like I’m  _everything,_ and you’re my everything too. But just not— not sexually. I’m sorry, Chlo, but I just  _can’t_. I can’t date you and j-just wait for you to wake up one day and r-realise you don’t want to be with me. I can’t do that to you, and I can’t do that to myself. It’s too painful and I-I love you too much.” Beca’s whole body is shaking like a leaf by the time she’s finished, her eyes puffy and her cheeks soaked with tears. Chloe’s squeezing her hand tightly, crushing the bones unconsciously as she listens to the younger girl’s heartbreaking words.

Chloe turns silently and wraps her arms around Beca’s trembling body, enveloping her in her warm embrace. She buries her nose in chocolate brown curls, tears rolling down her own cheeks as she inhales Beca’s lavender shampoo. “I love you so much,” she mumbles, tangling her fingers in a few strands of the brunette’s hair.

Beca relaxes into Chloe’s arms, her problems momentarily slipping away as she focuses on the redhead’s slightly choked breathing. “Please don’t say that,” the brunette begs, her voice breaking as fresh tears well up in her eyes.

Chloe pulls away and lifts her head, bringing her hand up to cup her best friend’s cheek. She brushes her thumb over the light dusting of freckles across Beca’s cheekbone, her expression softening as she stares into stormy blue eyes. “I love you Beca,  _so so much_. Despite what you may think, I don’t need sex. It’s enjoyable and yes, I get pleasure from it, but I don’t  _need_ it. I can take care of myself, you know. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. I love you, and I want to be with you. Simply spending time with you is more than enough for me. I am  _not_ going to leave you because you don’t want to have sex with me. I don’t care about that, Beca. I care about  _you_ , and I love you.”

Beca surges forwards and presses a kiss to Chloe’s cheek, her lips meeting damp skin. “I love you so fucking much,” Beca mumbles, pulling back to offer the redhead a suddenly shy smile. Chloe beams, her bright eyes sparkling as she returns the soft kiss to her cheek. She intertwines her fingers with Beca’s and pulls the younger girl towards her, desperate to just  _hold her_.

Everything is going to be okay, she just knows it.

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you thought! kudos and comments are much appreciated <3


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